I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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