Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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