Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
