I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
