Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize