He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
