If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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