At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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