My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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