Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
