If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
