get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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