She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
