is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
