you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
