please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
