He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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