She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
