Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
the raccoons are back...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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