hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
