Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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