There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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