accomplished twins. life is a go
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
