I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
