I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize