yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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