We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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