If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
