Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
