i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
