Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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