her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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