Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
