I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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