I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
