Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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