I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
