Your face is a jimmy john
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
