My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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