Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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