see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
