WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
