cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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