Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
