theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize