I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
