so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
