the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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