I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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