I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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