Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
