even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
