If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
