Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it was like eating out sand paper
We just shotgunned beers for America
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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