DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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