Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
