Will you blow on my dice?
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
