Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
