My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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