Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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