I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
