Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He did a backflip because drugs
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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