Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize