You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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