I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
