let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
