he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
