onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
