I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
