I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
